Everyone’s heard of the old adage “why do bad things happen to good people?” And I’m acutely aware of it now more than ever. But what I really wonder about is the unspoken second half of that phrase “…and why are there so many assholes out there living the dream?” In general, it doesn’t serve me well to think about the “why” of what happened as that’s a mind fuck of a rabbit hole with no way out. That’s at least one thing Dr. F has taught me! However, even though I know there’s no “reason” for Bryan’s death, I still tend to get wrapped around the proverbial axle of “but why are all these bad people seemingly only having good things to happen them?” Perhaps Karma is just recovering from a crazy late night bender and hasn’t gotten around to evening out the universe yet? I mean considering who our president is and the state of the world today, she really does have her hands full.
The most obvious and daily source of my ire comes from social media. I’ve touched on this before, but it goes beyond just being jealous of everyone’s shiny happy lives full of husbands. The injustice of this whole situation really chaps my ass sometimes. From the large scale (shady politicians ruling the world consequence free) to the closer to home (my cheating ex-boyfriend has a beautiful wife and keeps getting promoted despite the fact that he can barely read), there’s just no balance in the universe! I’m nothing if not logical and pragmatic, and while those character traits have served me well in other ways traversing this grief hike, this is one area where those traits are more like wearing flip flops running uphill in the rain. I know life’s not fair, and I’m not a jealous person by nature, as in I usually don’t care about keeping up with what others are doing or buying. But it’s hard not to feel singled out, or even responsible in some way, when people that objectively have moral compasses that don’t always point north never seem to get theirs. I’ve been given mine in spades and I have to wonder, what did I do, or not do, that it was decided that I shouldn’t have a father by age 26 or a husband by age 31. Why was it determined that I should meet Bryan only to have him taken 2 1/2 months after we pledged to spend forever together? As I look around at all the lucky ones, I struggle with why I’m not one of them.
It’s a constant struggle to not wallow in my self pity, and for the most part I don’t. But in the quiet moments, the lonely Sunday nights, the late night solo walks to the airport parking garage, I can’t help but say “Karma, you’re being a real C U Next Tuesday”.