Hola fellow widowinos. It’s 2019 and you know that that means!!!…Absolutely nothing. The new year has never really meant more to me than the passage of time, but as a lonely woman it only serves to highlight the status quo of my less than awesome life. Apologies for my MIA status the past few months. The final quarter of every year is a bit rough for me as I forge through the emotional minefields of my late father’s birthday, Bryan’s birthday, my dad’s death day (on Thanksgiving!), my would-be wedding anniversary that I’ve never actually celebrated with my husband, and of course Christmas. Ah, the holidays! As of I’ve said before, now fraught with melancholy! But I digress. So for as much of a resolution as I plan to make, I resolve to post on a more regular basis, as I know you all are itching with anticipation at every thought (not really).
Since we last spoke, I can’t say anything totally radical has changed. I go to therapy, take my meds, try to get out and be social, work the steps and go to meetings — oh, wait that’s a different program isn’t it. Maybe that’s my problem! But in all seriousness, while I don’t always feel like I’m progressing in my grief day-to-day, when I take periodic check-ins from this day a year ago, I do see some progress (I think, I hope). For example, Christmas 2017 I just pretended wasn’t happening. So much so, that I flew over an ocean to get away from it. I spent the actual day of Christmas in rainy London catching up on sleep from jet lag from my Christmas Eve flight across the pond (side note, how does Santa do it?! amiright?). Then I spent the subsequent days sightseeing and drinking tea and being around friendly strangers who had no idea what my story was and I LOVED it. Also, Christmas in general is far less commercialized and in your face in Britain than it is here, so it was a welcome relief. This year I decided to face the music and acknowledge the day and the time with the family I have left. It wasn’t…horrible. Maybe next year I can say it wasn’t too bad. I even willed myself to put a tree up in the home I bought completely after Bryan that he has no connection to. Opening those Christmas ornaments was like a firing squad of emotion as I unwrapped newspaper only to be hit upside the head with “Remember your engagement???” or “LOOK! Your honeymoon!”. Needless to say, decorating the tree took a few hours as I had to take to my bed frequently and revive myself with loads of smelling salts. BUT I did it. And I guess I’m proud?
I’ve also been more cognizant of the fact that time is moving forward for those around me, whether I feel like it has for me or not. Within my friend group in just the last few months, there’s been a birth, 3 new pregnancies, a couple moves, a cancer diagnosis in remission, and quite a few new furry friends. Oh and also this girl I know announced her THIRD ENGAGEMENT! I mean kudos to her. I’d love to know her secret. Anyway, all this to say that while I’ve spent the past few months trying out makeup tutorials on Youtube and watching really obscure crime documentaries on Netflix, the world has kept on spinning. I hope, with cautious optimism of course, that 2019 brings me something more exciting than just the final season of Game of Thrones, but if that’s all, it wouldn’t be that surprising. Until next time, here’s to whatever kind of 2019 you want to have, and dear God I hope the House indicts Trump.